It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, which means that people everywhere will shower their significant others in chocolate, gifts, and sexy lingerie. If you think human mating rituals are bizarre, then you’re in for a real treat. We’re going to imagine how different Valentine’s Day would be if humans were more like fish when it comes to romance.
Male Angler Fish Are Amorous Vampires
This sexy vixen is a female angler fish.
And this hunky beefcake is a male angler fish.
And this (number 4) is a male angler fish latched onto a female.
Males bite onto their female lovers and suck their blood like some sort of vampire. The female gradually absorbs the male’s body until he’s nothing more than a lump dangling in the current.
Male Seahorses In Labor
Male seahorses have pouches on their stomach, kind of like what you’d find on a kangaroo. After two seahorses have finished mating, the mother injects the eggs into the father’s pouch where the eggs can mature. Eventually, the male seahorse will spew a cloud of bouncing baby boys and girls.
If we were all more like seahorses, then women would rejoice and men could look forward to hours of labor and Lamaze classes.
Male Clownfish Promote the LGBT Cause
You’ve seen Finding Nemo, right? A father clownfish swims across the ocean trying to find his beloved son. It’s a heartwarming story on the surface, but once you take a closer look at clownfish mating practices you realize just how perverse the story actually is. If the dominant female clownfish in a hierarchy dies, then the dominant male undergoes a biological sex change to become female.
If we were like clownfish, then after a divorce your Dad might have a sudden urge to hit up the nail salon and go shopping for bras to support his new man-boobs.
A good kiss can be so romantic that you never want to stop. Phallosthethus fish rely on something a little bit more effective than kissing skills: they have barbed hooks on their chins that grab onto their partners.
We can all breathe a sigh of relief that we’re not more like the phallosthethus fish. If we had chin hooks, then two people kissing would look like something straight out of a slasher horror movie. I’ve heard of some girls who say that the coarse hairs of a man’s beard can be uncomfortable during kissing. Can you imagine how much worse it would be if we replaced facial hair with kitchen knives and meat hooks?